Not much today.

I told myself that this pony was going to write something every day.

I'm sober today.

Well, there it is.

Sometimes saying little is a good thing.

Eeyup!

Vector credit goes to BraveMoonGirl at deviant art

Blah...

I'm really lucky that I don't have the desire to drink or drug anymore. I was such a sick and sorry pony when I came into AA. The desire to use was lifted really quickly for me.

That being said, I still have a ton of character defects and problems in my life.

The one I'm dealing with today is entitlement. I just can't get my yellow hind-end into gear. I guess I expect my life and my bills to be just taken care of. As I've said earlier, if I don't work I don't get bits. Apartments in Manehattan are expensive!

Maybe I'm just being hard on myself?  I don't know. I have learned that I don't always get answers when I want them.

I want to be a successful stallion. I want to create amazing things that everypony knows about.
There is nopony alive that is really good at anything that didn't get good without work. I still want to be the exception and I want big rewards without work.
Dear Celestia, give me the strength to get through today and make progress where I need to.
I'm having a really hard time doing the next right thing today.
I at least have an opportunity to do the right thing today because I didn't drink or use a drug.
I'm going to a meeting tonight. I wonder if I will learn anything that will help this pony today...
Original art credit goes to icantunloveyou at deviantArt

The Gerbil Wheel

Something that seems to be common among the stallions and mares in AA is a lack of acceptance.

I know it is something that I struggle with every day.

I'm have to deal with someone that is mentally ill. It's the only explanation I have for her behavior. Something like OCD or some other disorder I don't know about.
Instead of saying to myself, "Sans, This mare is c.r.a.z.y.," and moving on with my life I am compelled to spent my mental energy contemplating:

• Making her aware of her obnoxiousness by explaining carefully and in detail how she is obviously wrong.
• Scream at her.
• Try to embarrass her in front of others so she leaves in tears.
• Try to have her forcibly removed from her position.
• Other methods, each more cruel than the last.

The fallacy of the arguments that are running around in my head like a gerbil on speed is that none of the above options will even remotely change her or the situation. Every one sounds satisfying (oh yessss), but every single one will make everything worse.
Dear Celestia, I want to tell her what to do with herself. I want to tell everyone what a loon she is.

But I won't...

My natural reactions cant be trusted. I have been taught: "Restraint of Pen and Tongue."  Thank Celestia I have this journal and my program to absorb my C.R.A.Z.Y.
If I take a moment to accept that she is who she is I will be able to move on spend my energy on positive things (like my work! Bits, Bits, Bits...) 

The next right thing!

I having trouble today getting into my work.

I don't earn bits unless I work and I can't seem to get out of my own way.

What does this have to do with my sobriety in Equestria? I don't know... It's just how I feel today.

The next right thing to do is to get designing. Let's see if this colt can get up off his hind end.
Shit... I ended up making ponies...

(O.O.C.) Addict, Alcoholic, Brony

The first mention and explanation of the word Brony came from my great niece In the first week of July.

For some odd reason the name stuck with me and I would keep saying it over and over in my head. Bronys, bronys, bronys. I think I liked the sound.

I thought it was really amusing that teenage boys and men were into My Little Pony. I grew up in the 80s and My Little Pony was a line of little plastic ponies that came with a little brush to brush out their plastic hair. A neighbor girl had a bunch. We melted their hair.

Two weeks ago I came across "Know Your Meme" and stumbled onto the definition of Brony. Once again I was highly amused and internet curiosity got to me and I started reading.

Why did I do this? I'm 33 with some good sobriety under my belt, a growing business, an amazing husband, a good apartment in Manehattan (snicker...) and three wonderful Jack Russells. I have a good life, filled with love. What did I have to gain from this bunch of obviously deranged, Comic-Con attending, cos-playing, clopping (snicker again...), social misfits?

I started watching on YouTube — that one really low quality video with every first season episode. I don't know what shifted in me during those first few 22 minute shows, but something certainly did move.

I starting reading everything I could about the Brony community online. I read the fan fiction. I giggled at the drawings. I read Equestria Daily. I watched the PMVs. "Smile, Smile, Smile" (and remixes) is in my playlist.

I am astounded, and a little intimidated by the level of talent and creativity that I feel present around me.

When I go to an AA meeting I am among a vastly disparate group of people (I almost said ponies. This gets into your blood quick!) that have a common problem. I can talk to just about any other alcoholic and we have a common experience. There can be 60 years of age, millions of dollars and a completely different life experience between us and we can understand each other perfectly.

I have that same feeling of connection and understanding I get from my AA meetings!

This is absolutely astounding to me. A show about cartoon ponies for little girls and the program that saved my life and given me all of the good things I enjoy daily? How could this be similar? I haven't even met a single other Brony in person yet...

One of the biggest suggestions that they have told me in AA is to "Let go and let God." I see this spirit of tolerance and in the Brony community (for the most part).

I see a group of ponies from different backgrounds, lifestyles and social strata that are bound by something deeper.

My life has been saved by AA and I proudly raise my hand and say I'm an addict and an alcoholic nearly every day.

I told that sober friend celebrating seven years in the previous post that I was writing a blog about a sober pony in the AA program in Manehattan. She stopped dead and she asked me if I was a Brony.

For the first time I said yes with a straight face.

My name is Sans Serif and I'm an addict, an alcoholic and a Brony.

Boring Anniversary Meetings...

I was going to write about how there's this deranged, compulsive mare that attends my home group meeting and has decided to bother me at every meeting about... well.. everything she can possibly come up with. (For ponies new to sobriety, or thinking about getting sober, a home group is a group I make sure I go to every week and I know many people at. My special comfort meeting!)

That changed after I went tonight.

We have these special anniversary meetings, usually the last meeting of the month, where ponies who got sober in whatever month we're in share what their life is like now.

My group has three meetings on Monday and I usually don't go to that first meeting, I go to the meeting after that. But my friend with seven years of sobriety was celebrating and I wanted to show up to cheer her on. She's always cheered me on, especially when I was counting days in the beginning. She's fun like that!

She got up slowly, and took a big breath and shared how this was a hellish year for her. She had a neck injury and she couldn't get above a trot for several months. She had lost feeling in her hind quarters at one point and was almost confined to her home. It took months for the doctors to find out what was wrong with her and fix her neck with surgery.

As she teared up, holding her seven year coin very tightly, she told us about the point where she was exhausted and feeling broken. It was a few weeks after the surgery, she was in the bath and she wanted to take all the pain pills the doctor had given her...

We're told that when we are close to a drink or a drug that our Higher Power can show up in some unexpected way between us and that next drink or drug.

Her super-special kitty, Gato (Gato is Spanish for cat... natch.) jumped up on the rim of the tub and she had that moment where she was presented with a stark reminder of the life sobriety had given her.

"Who would take care of you, Gato?"

You could hear everypony in that room tonight take in a breath. We all had to make a decision one day to go one way or another.

Gato was her Higher Power showing up at that moment. It isn't always Celestia swooping in with a shining light.

She then talked about how grateful that she was here to share this.

After she finished speaking and the she left the front of the room to wild applause she sat down next to me and I gave her a giant hug. I am so grateful I have ponies in my life that are true and honest. That can even let us know when things are bad.

I could go on and on... My super-petty annoyance with this other mare was immediately right-sized. I was able to let go.

I told her about this blog for sober ponies I'm writing...

She laughed so hard!

A lesson from Pinkie Pie

There are many times that I am a completely restless, irritable and discontent stallion. It's kind of part and parcel of being a addict pony.

When I used cider or other substances to change how I was feeling about myself, other ponies, situations and all the rest of Equestria it worked for that moment. But then I never learned to be uncomfortable or, even more importantly, to accept what was happening in or around me

I have a power greater than myself (who I choose to call Celestia). If I take a moment to be grateful that I have another day, I can make a choice to do then next right thing. Sometimes that is just smiling to the next pony I see on the street.

Today, I'm going to choose SMILE, SMILE, SMILE!

 Vector credit goes to Ocarina0fTimeLord on deviantART.

After the meeting

There's something about being in a room with a bunch of ponies that you have never met before and knowing that you are all there for the same exact reason.
Just about everypony in AA will report the same feeling.
Although our stories are very different, we got into that room through the same powerlessness over drugs and alcohol. Although we were from every different background, unicorn, pegasus or earth, at least a small part of my story that I shared tonight was relevant to all of the ponies listening.(I hope! )
It was not air conditioned, there were no cookies and my seat was uncomfortable.  I had a great time.
Before every meeting I don't want to go and then when I get there I remember what I'm there for. Without fail I always leave feeling like a pony that is right-sized, refreshed and grateful that I get another day in Equestria.

Tonight

It feels like this beforehand - but it's really just a few ponies in a room.

I'm qualifying (telling my story, how I got into AA and what my life is like now) at a group in midtown Manehattan tonight.

I love to qualify, but I'm kinda nervous about this one.

This is the first meeting I'm going to after I've decided to write this journal. I've never written anything about myself. After two years and doing this meeting thing a lot, I thought I would not be having anymore experiences that push me out of my comfort zone.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Honesty

Confession:

I'm kinda scared that nopony will read this blog.
I'm terrified that somepony will.
I want to share my message with a community I want to be a part of and maybe help somepony.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I took a bad picture just to get started. I'm sure I'll get a more detailed portrait in the near future.

I am a pony with a deadly disease.

I'm an addict and an alcoholic.

It's was so hard to raise my hoof an say those words the first time. But somehow, by the grace of Celestia, I did.

I need to reach out and share my hope, strength and experience on these pages.

If you are a pony that has a desire to stop drinking or using, you're in the right place.

There's a solution. You are not unique. Even if you are a pony staying sober today...