Still Sober...

I haven't had the wherewithal to write in the past few weeks. I'm traveled to Saddle Arabia and am working pretty hard.

I am very well taken care of here with a maid in the house and fancy dinners and all. This is kinda dangerous for me. I start thinking that I have everything in hand. "I got this," I say to myself. This is a deadly thought.

I know at this point I need to remember how life was like before I found the program.

The friend I'm staying with isn't in the program lie I am but she has been a great support. So she asked me to tell my story last night. It was awesome. It was like a mini meeting.

With that, I'm doing well.

How becoming a Brony has changed my life

I wrote what's below in response see to a question on Equestria Daily.  Until I read it over a few time I didn't realize how much this has meant to me. The only events in my life that compare are meeting my husband, having puppies with my jack russell Zosia and getting sober.

August 18th was the day i watched my first episode of MLP. My life today is completely different. For 34 years I have felt out of step. Into science, technology, fantasy and other esoteric things that the people around me were not interested it. As a kid in school I was bullied and further isolated. I was always afraid to join up with any kind of team activity or group.
I'm not a shy person by any means, most people would say I'm an extrovert and charming. That's only true when I have something in front of me like my camera or a work project. Inside I feel very different and I have to hide those "geeky" things about me.
My Little Pony got me over that.
I went through the oft described stages of becoming a brony; from outright rejection to inward acceptance to outward pride. There was a day I just said "Fuck it, I'm 34 years old and I'm allowed to like what I like. Why am I letting other people define me?"
I joined the NYC Bronies group and went to a meetup. I was so nervous that the nigh before i stared at the ceiling all night. When I arrived at the comic book reading meetup I very quickly found a group that understood so many facets of myself that I hadn't dared to show anyone else.
I found my people.
Also, before MLP I considered my self an artistic hack. I design websites, printed materials, books and stuff like that. I also am a professional photographer. I always felt like I was just hacking someone else's idea. When people would call me artistic I never felt that I earned it.
I have never been inspired before in my life. I now write, I took up sculpting I started drawing. I am interested in music again. I feel like a dynamo spun up inside me. I dont feel like a hack anymore.
I found that I'm talented.
Sorry to go on so long but I'm near tears writing this. Its meant so much to me and my life is so different today.
Thank you to everybody in this community. The show is amazing and all, but without the fandom and it's amazing creative output i would still be stuck in a metaphoric black and white Kansas.
tl;dr - I have nerdy, cool friends and I am creating art.

And that's how Equestria was made... 

Its been a while!

Eeyup, Still Sober!

Here's some pics I very quickly composited together for a meetup I'm planning to the Cloisters Museum in uptown Manehattan.

Check it out at http://www.meetup.com/Bronies-NYC/events/146351372/

First things first

I'm going into a crazy two weeks.  I don't quite know how I will make it to as many meetings that I need to. 

Sometimes it feels like being an alcoholic pony is too much work.

Stressed!

I'm really good at forgetting about how I have always taken care of through ever trying time in my life.  I have a upcoming event that is very important to me.  I have so much to organize and put together.  I want it to be perfect (of course).  I want everypony to love it.

This is not realistic.

If I show up and do my best I'm not responsible for the results. Almost always it turns out better than I imagined. 

Thank Celestia I have everypony in my life that I do. Thank Celestia I have this place to write down my thoughts and see it in black and white.

Thank Celestia I have some gratitude for the opportunities I have in my life. I'm still nervous, but I'll get through it.

Getting Better

My hooves are starting to get a little better with this drawing thing. I hope you like my next self portrait.

I think I have to do some of my friends soon.

P.S. I wouldn't be able to do this if I wasn't sober.
I am sooooo grateful!

Celestia as Guide

See to it that your relationship with Her is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

 —ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 164

 Having a right relationship with Celestia seemed to be an impossible order. My chaotic past had left me filled with guilt and remorse and I wondered how this "God business" could work. A.A. told me that I must turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand Her. With nowhere else to turn, I went down on my knees and cried, "Celestia, I can't do this. Please help me!" It was when I admitted my powerlessness that a glimmer of light began to touch my soul, and then a willingness emerged to let God control my life. With Her as my guide, great events began to happen, and I found the beginning of sobriety.

From the book Daily Reflections

© Copyright 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc

Image Credit to mysticalpha at deviantArt

Progress, Not Perfection

So I got me a nifty new drawing gizmo. 

I have always been afraid of drawing for some reason. Maybe I didn't want to waste paper, or do it "wrong" or some such.

Well, here is my second drawing. It's a self portrait! I hope everypony likes it.

A new freedom and a new happiness

We are given certain promises if we "thoroughly follow this simple program. "
One of the is that we will know a "new freedom and a new happiness."
I have seen this promise come true in many ponies lives as the work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. I have also seen it come true in my life. 
Being able to write this blog and participate with my fellow ponies is a direct consequence of working the program and having an amazing network of ponies around me.
I am able to be inspired! I have never written before in my life. I have never drawn before in my life.  I am so grateful for the program and the ponies around me. Participating in Equestrian is beyond my wildest dreams!

Image credit goes to Silentmatten at deviantArt

We stand or fall together

WE STAND—OR FALL—TOGETHER

. . . no society of mares and stallions ever had a more urgent need for continuous effectiveness and permanent unity. We alcoholics see that we must work together and hang together, else most of us will finally die alone.

—ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 561

Just as the Twelve Steps of A.A. are written in a specific sequence for a reason, so it is with the Twelve Traditions. The First Step and the First Tradition attempt to instill in me enough humility to allow me a chance at survival. Together they are the basic foundation upon which the Steps and Traditions that follow are built. It is a process of ego deflation which allows me to grow as an individual through the Steps, and as a contributing member of a group through the Traditions. Full acceptance of the First Tradition allows me to set aside personal ambitions, fears and anger when they are in conflict with the common good, thus permitting me to work with others for our mutual survival. Without Tradition One I stand little chance of maintaining the unity required to work with others effectively, and I also stand to lose the remaining Traditions, the Fellowship, and my life.

From the book Daily Reflections

© Copyright 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Looking for Other Sober Ponies!

If you are a sober pony and would like to contribute to this blog, please let me know! We need more stories and viewpoints!

Please use the contact form on the sidebar of the page to drop me a line!

Thanks,
Sans

A New Life

Yes, there is a substitute and it is vastly more than that. It is a fellowship in Alcoholics Anonymous... Life will mean something at last.

— ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 152

Life is better without alcohol. A.A. and the presence of a Higher Power keeps me sober, but the grace of God does even better; it brings service into my life. Contact with the A.A. program teaches me a new and greater understanding of what Alcoholics Anonymous is and what it does, but most importantly, it helps to show me who I am: an alcoholic who needs the constant experience of the Alcoholics Anonymous program so that I may live a life given to me by my Higher Power.

 From the book Daily Reflections

©Copyright 1990 by Alcoholics Anonymous World Services, Inc.

Daily Reflections

So there's this book that we have AA called Daily Reflections. They are just little passages that help us Sober Ponies get through the day sober or learn a little about ourselves.

I personally need a little something to keep me writing every day so I am considering a series based on them. Let see how it goes.

Miserable enough to Change

There are not many ponies in recovery that just walked into AA and said, "I think I might be on the edge of developing a problem." Most of us came into AA because we had hit a bottom where the only choices were death or life.
A bottom finally lets us surrender. We become willing to listen to a suggestion.
I have had bottoms while using and bottoms in sobriety. Bottoms have occurred because I tried to control all aspects of my life, everypony else's life and every aspect of Celestia's creation. It didn't work out too well...

Recently, I had really slowed down on going to meetings. Every day I was complaining about what a sad little pony I was. I wasn't talking to other ponies with this disease. I wasn't praying to Celestia to do her will and only her will.
I was miserable. Enough to be getting close to picking up again. Celestia intervened in my life again. I bumped into my sponsor, who I had been avoiding. When she saw me she just put her hooves to my face and said "I was so worried about you."
I just cried.
She asked me to breakfast the next day. During our meal she put it to me bluntly.
"Are you willing to go to any lengths to stay sober?"
"No," I said.
I though about how my life had changed so much since I became a sober pony. Everything I had was because of this program. I was being offered the gift again.
I said, "Yes"
I finally was able to listen to a suggestion.

New Friends

^ How I felt the other day!

I went to a meet-up of ponies this week that wasn't AA related. We all shared a passion for a certain series about a group of six ponies.
I was so nervous. I couldn't sleep the night before.
Most of the time I consider myself a pretty with-it guy.
My style is reasonably fashionable. I can have great conversation about almost any topic. I read the Manehattan Times every day! I have a great mane-do.
It a facade.
The only place I've ever felt I didn't have to maintain an illusion is in an AA meeting.
These ponies really get me. They have struggled with the same exact disease that I have. I don't always identify with the facts of each pony's story but I always understand the feelings.
I went to this meet-up and felt comfortable. I was just myself. Nervous, but myself.
I was able to talk about some of the core things of my makeup that I edit when talking to other people. Even other AAers. Like my love of computers and video games and reading and art, and so on! I was immediately accepted. Wow.
There is another get-together later this month. It is a much larger slice of this community. I'm still kinda nervous but it is more anticipation than worry.
Friendship is truly magic.

Posting Ponies

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment."

— Alcoholics Anonymous 4th ed. p.117

If I remember that passage above I have a chance to have a good day. 

It also applies to myself. 

So I didn't put hoof to keyboard for the past three days.

I was starting to feel bad about it. Then I don't want to write because I didn't write, and so on.  

Progress not perfection. 
I'm just happy to be a sober pony today.

Fellowship is Magic

I went to my regular Saturday night meeting last night. It was crowded and lacking in fresh oxygen but I was able to sit next to a good friend.
Friendship is one of the amazing magical things that getting sober has given me.
In the program we usually call it fellowship.
I didn't know what it meant before I got sober. I had my friends in AA show it to me. Now I have friends all over Manehattan who I can share the magic if fellowship and friendship.
When I have been angry, lonely or agitated I have been able to call somepony that understands what I'm feeling at that moment.

Not much today.

I told myself that this pony was going to write something every day.

I'm sober today.

Well, there it is.

Sometimes saying little is a good thing.

Eeyup!

Vector credit goes to BraveMoonGirl at deviant art

Blah...

I'm really lucky that I don't have the desire to drink or drug anymore. I was such a sick and sorry pony when I came into AA. The desire to use was lifted really quickly for me.

That being said, I still have a ton of character defects and problems in my life.

The one I'm dealing with today is entitlement. I just can't get my yellow hind-end into gear. I guess I expect my life and my bills to be just taken care of. As I've said earlier, if I don't work I don't get bits. Apartments in Manehattan are expensive!

Maybe I'm just being hard on myself?  I don't know. I have learned that I don't always get answers when I want them.

I want to be a successful stallion. I want to create amazing things that everypony knows about.
There is nopony alive that is really good at anything that didn't get good without work. I still want to be the exception and I want big rewards without work.
Dear Celestia, give me the strength to get through today and make progress where I need to.
I'm having a really hard time doing the next right thing today.
I at least have an opportunity to do the right thing today because I didn't drink or use a drug.
I'm going to a meeting tonight. I wonder if I will learn anything that will help this pony today...
Original art credit goes to icantunloveyou at deviantArt

The Gerbil Wheel

Something that seems to be common among the stallions and mares in AA is a lack of acceptance.

I know it is something that I struggle with every day.

I'm have to deal with someone that is mentally ill. It's the only explanation I have for her behavior. Something like OCD or some other disorder I don't know about.
Instead of saying to myself, "Sans, This mare is c.r.a.z.y.," and moving on with my life I am compelled to spent my mental energy contemplating:

• Making her aware of her obnoxiousness by explaining carefully and in detail how she is obviously wrong.
• Scream at her.
• Try to embarrass her in front of others so she leaves in tears.
• Try to have her forcibly removed from her position.
• Other methods, each more cruel than the last.

The fallacy of the arguments that are running around in my head like a gerbil on speed is that none of the above options will even remotely change her or the situation. Every one sounds satisfying (oh yessss), but every single one will make everything worse.
Dear Celestia, I want to tell her what to do with herself. I want to tell everyone what a loon she is.

But I won't...

My natural reactions cant be trusted. I have been taught: "Restraint of Pen and Tongue."  Thank Celestia I have this journal and my program to absorb my C.R.A.Z.Y.
If I take a moment to accept that she is who she is I will be able to move on spend my energy on positive things (like my work! Bits, Bits, Bits...) 

The next right thing!

I having trouble today getting into my work.

I don't earn bits unless I work and I can't seem to get out of my own way.

What does this have to do with my sobriety in Equestria? I don't know... It's just how I feel today.

The next right thing to do is to get designing. Let's see if this colt can get up off his hind end.
Shit... I ended up making ponies...

(O.O.C.) Addict, Alcoholic, Brony

The first mention and explanation of the word Brony came from my great niece In the first week of July.

For some odd reason the name stuck with me and I would keep saying it over and over in my head. Bronys, bronys, bronys. I think I liked the sound.

I thought it was really amusing that teenage boys and men were into My Little Pony. I grew up in the 80s and My Little Pony was a line of little plastic ponies that came with a little brush to brush out their plastic hair. A neighbor girl had a bunch. We melted their hair.

Two weeks ago I came across "Know Your Meme" and stumbled onto the definition of Brony. Once again I was highly amused and internet curiosity got to me and I started reading.

Why did I do this? I'm 33 with some good sobriety under my belt, a growing business, an amazing husband, a good apartment in Manehattan (snicker...) and three wonderful Jack Russells. I have a good life, filled with love. What did I have to gain from this bunch of obviously deranged, Comic-Con attending, cos-playing, clopping (snicker again...), social misfits?

I started watching on YouTube — that one really low quality video with every first season episode. I don't know what shifted in me during those first few 22 minute shows, but something certainly did move.

I starting reading everything I could about the Brony community online. I read the fan fiction. I giggled at the drawings. I read Equestria Daily. I watched the PMVs. "Smile, Smile, Smile" (and remixes) is in my playlist.

I am astounded, and a little intimidated by the level of talent and creativity that I feel present around me.

When I go to an AA meeting I am among a vastly disparate group of people (I almost said ponies. This gets into your blood quick!) that have a common problem. I can talk to just about any other alcoholic and we have a common experience. There can be 60 years of age, millions of dollars and a completely different life experience between us and we can understand each other perfectly.

I have that same feeling of connection and understanding I get from my AA meetings!

This is absolutely astounding to me. A show about cartoon ponies for little girls and the program that saved my life and given me all of the good things I enjoy daily? How could this be similar? I haven't even met a single other Brony in person yet...

One of the biggest suggestions that they have told me in AA is to "Let go and let God." I see this spirit of tolerance and in the Brony community (for the most part).

I see a group of ponies from different backgrounds, lifestyles and social strata that are bound by something deeper.

My life has been saved by AA and I proudly raise my hand and say I'm an addict and an alcoholic nearly every day.

I told that sober friend celebrating seven years in the previous post that I was writing a blog about a sober pony in the AA program in Manehattan. She stopped dead and she asked me if I was a Brony.

For the first time I said yes with a straight face.

My name is Sans Serif and I'm an addict, an alcoholic and a Brony.

Boring Anniversary Meetings...

I was going to write about how there's this deranged, compulsive mare that attends my home group meeting and has decided to bother me at every meeting about... well.. everything she can possibly come up with. (For ponies new to sobriety, or thinking about getting sober, a home group is a group I make sure I go to every week and I know many people at. My special comfort meeting!)

That changed after I went tonight.

We have these special anniversary meetings, usually the last meeting of the month, where ponies who got sober in whatever month we're in share what their life is like now.

My group has three meetings on Monday and I usually don't go to that first meeting, I go to the meeting after that. But my friend with seven years of sobriety was celebrating and I wanted to show up to cheer her on. She's always cheered me on, especially when I was counting days in the beginning. She's fun like that!

She got up slowly, and took a big breath and shared how this was a hellish year for her. She had a neck injury and she couldn't get above a trot for several months. She had lost feeling in her hind quarters at one point and was almost confined to her home. It took months for the doctors to find out what was wrong with her and fix her neck with surgery.

As she teared up, holding her seven year coin very tightly, she told us about the point where she was exhausted and feeling broken. It was a few weeks after the surgery, she was in the bath and she wanted to take all the pain pills the doctor had given her...

We're told that when we are close to a drink or a drug that our Higher Power can show up in some unexpected way between us and that next drink or drug.

Her super-special kitty, Gato (Gato is Spanish for cat... natch.) jumped up on the rim of the tub and she had that moment where she was presented with a stark reminder of the life sobriety had given her.

"Who would take care of you, Gato?"

You could hear everypony in that room tonight take in a breath. We all had to make a decision one day to go one way or another.

Gato was her Higher Power showing up at that moment. It isn't always Celestia swooping in with a shining light.

She then talked about how grateful that she was here to share this.

After she finished speaking and the she left the front of the room to wild applause she sat down next to me and I gave her a giant hug. I am so grateful I have ponies in my life that are true and honest. That can even let us know when things are bad.

I could go on and on... My super-petty annoyance with this other mare was immediately right-sized. I was able to let go.

I told her about this blog for sober ponies I'm writing...

She laughed so hard!

A lesson from Pinkie Pie

There are many times that I am a completely restless, irritable and discontent stallion. It's kind of part and parcel of being a addict pony.

When I used cider or other substances to change how I was feeling about myself, other ponies, situations and all the rest of Equestria it worked for that moment. But then I never learned to be uncomfortable or, even more importantly, to accept what was happening in or around me

I have a power greater than myself (who I choose to call Celestia). If I take a moment to be grateful that I have another day, I can make a choice to do then next right thing. Sometimes that is just smiling to the next pony I see on the street.

Today, I'm going to choose SMILE, SMILE, SMILE!

 Vector credit goes to Ocarina0fTimeLord on deviantART.

After the meeting

There's something about being in a room with a bunch of ponies that you have never met before and knowing that you are all there for the same exact reason.
Just about everypony in AA will report the same feeling.
Although our stories are very different, we got into that room through the same powerlessness over drugs and alcohol. Although we were from every different background, unicorn, pegasus or earth, at least a small part of my story that I shared tonight was relevant to all of the ponies listening.(I hope! )
It was not air conditioned, there were no cookies and my seat was uncomfortable.  I had a great time.
Before every meeting I don't want to go and then when I get there I remember what I'm there for. Without fail I always leave feeling like a pony that is right-sized, refreshed and grateful that I get another day in Equestria.

Tonight

It feels like this beforehand - but it's really just a few ponies in a room.

I'm qualifying (telling my story, how I got into AA and what my life is like now) at a group in midtown Manehattan tonight.

I love to qualify, but I'm kinda nervous about this one.

This is the first meeting I'm going to after I've decided to write this journal. I've never written anything about myself. After two years and doing this meeting thing a lot, I thought I would not be having anymore experiences that push me out of my comfort zone.

I'll let you know how it goes!

Honesty

Confession:

I'm kinda scared that nopony will read this blog.
I'm terrified that somepony will.
I want to share my message with a community I want to be a part of and maybe help somepony.

Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

I took a bad picture just to get started. I'm sure I'll get a more detailed portrait in the near future.

I am a pony with a deadly disease.

I'm an addict and an alcoholic.

It's was so hard to raise my hoof an say those words the first time. But somehow, by the grace of Celestia, I did.

I need to reach out and share my hope, strength and experience on these pages.

If you are a pony that has a desire to stop drinking or using, you're in the right place.

There's a solution. You are not unique. Even if you are a pony staying sober today...